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Burger me! Microsoft's chainsaw rampage through sacred cow herd

Ballmer would turn in his grave. If he was dead

Analysis Microsoft sent so many sacred cows to the abattoir yesterday that April 29th 2015 may well go down in corporate folklore as “Sacred Cow Day”. Or will it be “Mad Cow Day”?

[I see what you did there - ed.]

Such is Microsoft’s anxiety to get developers writing for its trailing-in-the-distance mobile platforms, it did an unthinkable thing. Six times before breakfast. And several times again between breakfast and “brunch”. And then it carried on. What made it all quite surreal was that the first hour contained no indication of what was to come.

CEO Satya Nadella paddled about with a music app for Surface, like a supply teacher killing time politely. Then, after he ambled off, came lots of new Important Cloud stuff. Then the surprises started.

We got Android apps running on Windows. A Microsoft IDE running on Linux. .NET ported to Linux, too. Support for Objective C, the language that only Apple and NeXT has ever really used. Support for Google and Apple APIs - in fact, just carry on writing for Google and Apple. Wild, untamed Win32 binaries scaling the ramparts of the Microsoft Store. Phones turning into proper PCs when you plug them into a monitor and keyboard.

Somewhere underneath the stage you could imagine Steve Ballmer’s disembodied spirit howling in pain.

What might Steve be thinking?

“This new Nutella guy - has he forgotten that ‘Linux is communism’? Doesn’t he know you must preserve the Windows PC license margin at all costs? You can’t just allow people to plug a device in to replace desktop Windows, one with a license that Microsoft just gives away? I mean, even the phone’s Office sort of turns into a proper desktop Office. Madness!

“And worst of all, when I screamed ‘Developers! Developers! Developers!’ and did that funny dance, I didn’t mean any old developer. I meant Windows developers. MCPDs. Guys who had coded ActiveX, knew the bugs in the Mono compiler, and had generally stuck with Microsoft through thick and thin. Our guys. Not some random, granola-eating stoners.”

You can call it anxiety. You can call it desperation. But you can’t call it boring old Microsoft. Presenters Terry Myerson and Terry Belfiore (and someone who looks like he’s been locked in Joe Belfiore’s cellar, watching Joe Belfiore presentations) seemed positively liberated by the iconoclasm. I thought they were going to tell us the release date is “only when the Moon is in the Seventh House” and strip all their clothes off.

But it’s a big gamble. A really big gamble.

Next page: Icono-clasm!

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