Lindsay Lohan ‘happy’ to turn on Kettering

Troubled wildchild turned Brexit commenter Lindsay Lohan has accepted the challenge of turning on Kettering for Christmas, in order to “redeem her political reputation”.

Lindsay, who is currently having a rest in the UK, displayed a hitherto unknown talent for political analysis as the referendum results poured in last week, with a stream of perceptive tweets that gave Dimbleby a run for his money.

However, as Kettering declared for Brexit, the normally sanguine Lohan lost her famed calm and objectivity, and spat out a now deleted tweet questioning the town’s choice: “#REMAIN Sorry, but #KETTERING where are you & why is this woman @BBCNews speaking on people rather than TELLING us what happens if the UK LEAVES?”

Lohan’s shock intervention set in motion a chain of events, the implications of which are only now becoming clear.

Even as some political players and pundits were distracted by the question of who might lead the country out of Europe, effectively breaking up the Union, while others were concerned with a little difficulty in the Labour party, local MP Phillip Hollobone cut to the heart of the matter when he took to his feet in the House of Commons yesterday.

In a statement of Churchillian eloquence, Hollobone told a restive house that: “Apart from the fact it might be the most average town in the country, everyone knows where Kettering is.”

In words that will echo through Hansard down the ages, he added “It’s famous as the home of Weetabix breakfast cereal, Cheaney’s and Loake’s shoes, and Kettering Town Football Club has scored more goals in the history of the FA Cup than any other football team in the country.”

The only possible way for Lohan to redeem her political reputation, he thundered to an increasingly rapturous house, was for her to come to Kettering and turn on the Christmas lights.

Today, as Hollobone's words continued to reverberate around the Palace of Westminster, Lohan declared, via Twitter that she had found time in her packed shooting schedule to traipse up the M1 and bring succour to Northamptonshire by flicking Kettering’s switch.

In a world turned upside down and against itself, commentators are already hailing Lohan's ability to pour oil on troubled voters, smooth over the cracks in the body politic, and bring people back together in ways that would have seemed unthinkable just days ago.

Our Northampshire correspondent will be on hand to capture the moment Lohan delivers Kettering from darkness when the time comes. In the meantime, the England manager’s job is still open, so we’re going to comb through Lohan’s tweets for any comments on England’s performance against Iceland. ®